You Were Never Really Here

I found a poem you wrote and I told you I didn’t get it
I didn’t understand what you meant by saying
“Being with you all this time was enigmatic”
But you kept quite like I said nothing

Years are passing by for me but
I still have no single clue about that poem
Because every time you were around was something
I cherised till the day you left

Tell me more about you blackened my path and
Asked lunar to shine my room, I insist, because
If I had been more more more more me
I would have open up a road map
Made it obvious for you to point at no way

You didn’t have to arrange any eclipse or
Decorate my mind with any celestial body
Because I never stopped whistling your name
It should had been enough for you to breath
And I should had been enough for years

For I’m not disruptive person
There’s nothing to regret and
This relationship wasn’t even close to average so
If I had been more more more more me
I would have been realize what you think about me
Made it obvious for me to walk away long before you did

Azmi, Februari 2022

Nowhere to Look

This is a game of two which

No one can control the outcome so

Both cheating by keep being shooter by

Rolling in the same manner by

Winning some and losing some by

Playing for the years of imprint but

What's the prize?

Azmi, October 2020

Get Rid

That day I woke up in a sec only for

Noticing you sent me a pointless message

So I threw my phone away then

I did daydream about getting what I like the most for

24h which were long period for me and

I was merely breathing in the hallway and

You could watch me dying but

You were too late

Azmi, September 2020

Written on May, 2020

I Wish I Win

Never have a chance to give you more than a greeting
Because time is confusing and your room is empty

After years apart and all the repeated running
Winning yours is finish line I bury deep

Azmi, April 2020

Pathetic

You may take the bathroom for yourself

I will let you let the water runs dry

as you tear out a name and only a name

Even the door will be closed and locked

I know you sit down with clothes on there

I see it from your poetry/poetry/poetry/poetry

and thousand of your script/script/script/script

which you hide in cloud and stack of papers

which the name will never notice but me

Azmi, April 2020

366 Days of Me #day 93

I have been doing quarantine, just like everybody else, for these past three weeks. I think being home doesn't make me do something better than before. I do my job (joining the online learning of course, how can I pass this semester without it?!), spend my whole day with Aunty (random talk to deep talk for sure), take free online course with Aunty (we study together, literally, and she looks like a friend this is cool), call my dear friends from junior high school, sew bed sheets, purchase e-books, and text friends of mine randomly (only to say hi, to remind them things such as doing quarantine, even to burn longing).

Have I ever mention that Aunty is a nice mother? (re: Mom is the best and no one would beat her position) But Aunty is nice. Despite of the fact that she is fragile and somehow reminds me of myself (about how hard she is to herself or crying over things), she listens to me and takes a good care of me. She asks me to drink ginger and tea every day, forces me to do my job every time I want to help her, and keeps telling me to have my breakfast, lunch, and dinner on time. She is just nice and being here with her is a nice thing to do (although I really want to be home, REALLY). When semester is done and everything is better, I will buy any ticket to come home!

How's your quarantine doing? Whatever you do, please note that the world has been being good to us. In return, we have to take care of it for the rest of our life. When this is all over, I wish we all do our best to become a better person, better version of ourselves. So, whoever you are reading this, I wish you good health!

Pretending

Do you ever sit alone pretending your favorite person is sitting next to you?
Because you know you can't do it in real life no matter how hard you wish
Because you need to remind yourself what you have to let go,
What you have to live with, and which is which
Do you ever sit alone pretending one's still talking to you like you are one's favorite person?
Because you have successfully erased catastrophe
As if it never happened, never became part of the story
Do you ever sit alone pretending you are the happiest creature on earth?

Azmi, Maret 2020

366 Days of Me #day60

I have been waiting for this day for years, turn around I don't like it. Because I don't get what I want although it is as simple as spending the whole day with myself only. Because I don't get something for myself, like trying food I never eat before (either because I don't want to try or it is just too much to afford), doing my nails (so I don't have to bite them every time I get nervous), or anything else which is illegal for me to do everyday but today. Illegal means anything that would be a waste of time and money but worth for February 29th.

BUT there's always good in something (and it makes me happy). I go home at the right time! My baby brother is home and we all do pizza time at night while watching TV. I go to cinema with my crush, have my favorite crispy chicken as my lunch, and take selfies with him. I receive greeting from dearest friends of mine. Meaningful greeting, no copy-paste, and straight to the point because they know me for real. I get cake from my head/mentor/sister/you name it. I put star on her message because she says something I never thought I would capable to hear (like is this really for me?!).

So, yeah, happy birthday, Azmi Lathief! Sorry I put you in trouble for times. Sorry I wake you up at night only to wonder and to cry. Sorry I write "you are the champion of fool" on your wall. Sorry I send you nowhere but here. Sorry I can't give you what you want for now. Sorry I always let you down and fail you. Sorry I make you should try harder. Sorry for all the pain. Sorry for every time you want to undo things, erase your memories, or even go straight and fast just like Alaska does. I would patiently wait for the next February 29th while trying my best to give you everything. Everything you wish. Everything you ever wish.

366 Days of Me #day41

There is no something special about my first day except everything is new and I have to get used to it. I woke up earlier to the radio, the announcer told me life is beautiful and I have to thank God every morning for this bless. I got heater for bath, it was really helpful for me to become completely awake. I had my breakfast earlier, sky was dark but the food was ready. It wasn't egg or nugget or else (like I used to have at home. I used to have it that way only because it is easier to do in the morning) but rice, I also had tea. I kissed Aunty on cheek (like I used to do to Mom every time I go somewhere) then I said see you as I went by. The road was new for me, so was the morning view. It kept me wondering what day it is today and what I did to live this day today. Till I realized the building I have to walk in was completely new and it consisted of people I have never met before.

New friends always scare me. What if they don't like me? What if they don't like the way I dress up, the way I talk, the way I do things, or even the way I think of something? What if I can't fit in? What if I don't understand what they are talking about? What if I'm not good enough to become their friend? BUT what if I am?

366 Days of Me #day24

I just land on my bed! Though I like it better when it is covered by pink, the bed itself is my savior. While I am laying down, my head spins around. Imagine what I have done in the life before so the earth turns this into something. I feel bad for myself because I have to live far from whom I should take care of (and whom I am crazy about of course). But it feels good to be the reason of their happiness at the same time. I wish I could share this moment with Ponyo, Milo, Madison, and Snowy. I miss them. A lot.

I remember friends of mine and I wonder what the earth has done to them. It would feel great to hear their voice, stories, and any other details. I miss them. But then I remember the line saying the right people will stay in your life. Even when you both apart, you will never become stranger to each other. I know that line only works when you both doing something. As simple as saying hi, making call, and texting. It is not you who walk out when you have done something but they don't. It is not your lose when you try to mend the bond but they keep silent. No people have to be the right people. Not even ourselves.

I guess I will leave my wonder here.

366 Days of Me #day13

Yey! Daddy is already home. And Mom does what she always does. And my baby sister is busy with the college. And my baby brother goes to school again. And my younger baby brother goes back to dorm. And me is sitting on a couch way far from them and missing them. The reason I am being where I am right now is them, I told you I have people to take care of, remember? That's them! I wish this would mean something but I only know about it on couple days later. I'll tell you even at my worst. We'll see.

By the way, another heartbreaking moment. I told Mom days ago about something I kept from her for so long. At midnight. It started with the feeling I couldn't hide it any longer and I cried. Then I walked myself down stair to tell her but she saw me when I was on stair. I didn't know she was awake because she never did. She came to hug me, walked me back to my room, and asked me why. So, I told her. While crying. While being hugged around her arm. And she forgave me. Told me that was nothing. Told me that was fault I would never do again. Told me that she loves me all the way. Me? I cried way harder because her words was beyond my expectation.

I knew it would hurt me but I didn't expect it would be so hurting like this. Keeping things from Mom is a huge burden I should not do. It haunts me every times and it still leaves major regret. But Mom is a magical creature. She is always be and will always be. God is way too kind to give me her. God is way too kind.

366 Days of Me #day3

I dare myself to write about anything this year for such a healing. I have been spending all the year I could count on doubting myself, wondering whether it is a good life or not, or trying to figure out what will I do for my life. I have been being so mean to myself and I know it is hard to forgive. I promise myself not to do it anymore since I have people to take care of. Not because I have to, it is because I need to. So, I wish the dare would work. Wish I could keep my promise to myself.

As I write this, Daddy has been being hospitalized for four days. It was a heartbreaking moment, the day he went to hospital by ambulance (but every day he had to go to hospital this way is always a heartbreaking). It was around six pm. My baby brother knocked my door rapidly and he only said my name and dad's like it could explained everything that happened. I ran down stair only to see Mom held his hand and repeated her prayer over and over while he's laying. My another baby brother was beside her and crying. My baby sister was on her phone trying to get the ambulance. Me? I sat beside Mom and tried not to cry because I knew she needed me that way.

That day was a picture, a capture of thing that's worth million things. And just like every day I have spent around hospital, I would never ever forget it.

Hymne for Pandora

What if everyone shows their weakness, their sorrow, their pain?
What if everyone tells you the story of the deep grief they dig for someone else?
What if everyone calls out names who make life hard to live?
What if everyone admits their fault?
What if everyone says they are worth your sorry?
What if everyone really meant their sorry?
What if everyone goes that way?
What if everyone fixes each other?

Azmi, September 2019

Heavy Drinker

I'd like to unskin myself
Hang my peeled skin on the wall
Trace every harm it has been through
Burn soreness into ashes
Scatter back over your body
You need to know that it hurts me
As I say while drowning in tears
This is the new liquor

Azmi, August 2019

Torture

Their life is a tangled mess
He doesn't like poetry
While she loves it though doesn't good at writing one
He lets music runs through his vein
While she doesn't even know what C is
They hide their weight from each other
Fail at trying not to cry
They have every second to leave
Fail at hanging up
Healing is the biggest shit he believes
She tries even in the darkest night
For both are longing for something
I guess one should untangled

Azmi, July 2019

Knock Knock

Aku sudah memperbaiki pintu rumahku berkali-kali. Memperbaikinya dari atas ke bawah, tanpa melewatkan satu bagian pun. Melakukannya di setiap tahun di tanggal yang sama. Memandanginya dengan cara yang tidak berubah. Sebenarnya, aku sudah mencoba mengubah pandanganku berkali-kali. Tapi aku tidak pernah berhasil, malah semakin menjadi-jadi tanpa ampun. Aku juga mencoba memaafkannya tapi nyatanya sama saja. Jadi anggaplah aku tak bisa melakukan apapun kecuali membenci, ya, membenci memang hal paling mudah.

Dulu, pintu rumah adalah titik kesukaanku. Aku akan membukanya di setiap pagi dan sore. Pagi adalah saat ia pergi, saat aku melambaikan tangan. Aku akan berdiri di samping pintu rumah dan mendoakan agar harinya menyenangkan. Kemudian ia mencium keningku dan mengingatkanku untuk menutup pintu rumah serapat-rapatnya. Aku melakukannya, tak pernah ingkar. Sore adalah saat ia pulang, saat aku menyambutnya dengan rindu. Aku akan berdiri di samping pintu rumah dan bertanya bagaimana harinya. Kemudian ia mengusap rambutku dan mulai bercerita sembari menutup pintu rumah. Serapat-rapatnya agar tak ada yang mencuri dengar ceritanya.

Dulu, pintu rumah adalah kebahagiaanku. Ia mengatakan bahwa pintu rumah tak boleh terlihat menyedihkan. Meskipun pintu rumah tidak terbuat dari kayu terbaik, pintu rumah tetap harus dirawat. Maka kami memperbaikinya di setiap tahun, di tanggal yang sama. Aku memilih kayu, ia memasangnya. Aku memperhatikan, ia sesekali menjelaskan. Tentang bagaimana memperbaiki pintu rumah, bagaimana menjaganya dalam setahun, dan bagaimana membuatnya menjadi sangat berarti. Saat pintu rumah selesai diperbaiki, dia akan memelukku dan berterimakasih. Katanya, "jaga pintu rumahmu, jangan lupa untuk selalu membukanya untukku."

Dulu, pintu rumah memang titik kesukaan dan kebahagianku. Namun hanya sampai pada hari itu. Hari yang tidak kuingat namanya, hari yang apapun namanya tidak penting untukku. Aku hanya mengerti bahwa langit terang, tidak mendung seperti dalam buku-buku yang menggambarkan perpisahan. Aku hanya mengerti bahwa aku melakukan hal-hal di pagi hari seperti biasanya dan tidak ada hal ganjil terjadi seperti dalam cerita-cerita mengenai firasat. Aku hanya mengerti bahwa dia terburu-buru hingga lupa mengecup kening dan mengingatkan untuk menutup pintu rapat-rapat. Aku hanya mengerti bahwa aku menunggu dia seperti yang biasa kulakukan. Aku hanya mengerti bahwa dia pulang terlalu larut dan kelelahan hingga lupa berbagi cerita.

Kemudian, aku hanya ingat langit tetap terang dan tidak ada hal ganjil terjadi. Aku hanya ingat bahwa dia pergi terburu-buru dan pulang kelelahan. Aku hanya ingat aku tidak bosan menunggu dia seperti yang biasa kulakukan. Aku hanya terus ingat bahwa langit tetap saja terang dan hal ganjil tak pernah terjadi. Aku hanya terus ingat bahwa dia pergi selalu terburu-buru dan pulang selalu kelelahan. Aku hanya terus ingat bahwa aku menunggunya seperti yang seharusnya, seperti yang biasa kulakukan. Selalu seperti itu hingga aku tidak lagi ingat sudah berapa lama kulalui hari-hari seperti itu. Selalu seperti itu hingga aku tidak lagi ingat bahwa pintu rumah kami menanti diperbaiki. Menanti terlalu lama.

Azmi, June 2019
Written on May 2015

My Life in Pack

I was packed off to faraway for sorrow
But I have packed up my stuff
It was not a pack of times nor memories
It was you packed with joy, laugh, firework, and else
Things which could never be packed out even by heartbreak
Things which could never be packed in even by despair

Azmi, June 2019
Written on July 2018

Please Save Me From My Own Mind #6

You could walk away from people who hurt you or make you sick and tired
And there would always be the time you blame yourself for let them in
or blame them for being so rude
or blame the life for the path you both share
But, darling, world works that way
It hits you hard only to slap you harder when you get up
Imagine everything seems so easy, everyone greets warm, everywhere looks nice,
How do you learn the scars?
How do you know which one is good, better, or best?
How do you figure out who you are?

Azmi, May 2019
Written on December 2018

Please Save Me From My Own Mind #2

Someday people will ask you about how you keep alive in one percent battery
Then you will say to them that life charges yourself
You will say you can bring out your aptitude, become brave and set your voice louder for your liking,
and show your maximal brightness as your ability at the same time
Because life charges you while you try to pass it through
Because life doesn't only hurt you badly but also give you all the words, touches, chances, people, and gifts you deserve
And that's all enough to take you back to one hundred percents
Someday people will ask you and you will reply exactly like that
So please keep going, you are almost there

Azmi, May 2019

Please Save Me From My Own Mind #1

Having that pretty brain is always in my bucket list

The one people keep talking about because it is so much full of books, tales, news, and everything

So is having good taste in music

Going to concert and singing along with everyone

Plus for playing any instruments

It would be really nice to dress up and put make-up on

Flawless in any appearances, confidence as the key

It would be really nice to go place to place, too

Challenge ourselves to learn new things, try new foods, or greet new people

Pursue directional dreams

I do adore the cheerful and kind person people can lean on

The one who makes time for other and accompanies through bad time

Also the faithful yet open-minded person who sees life in positive way and finds magic in anything

People who get nightmares but wake up happily have my respect

They are surrounded by family and friends

Struggling in silence

People who believe in themselves have it either

They enjoy life with eyes close, take steps without any feet, thankful for whatever it takes, and realize that being themselves is more than enough

I don't want to call any names since I write this because I do envy you all

I just want you to know that you may feel invisible but without you realize, people may have their eyes on you and pray for your good

So please keep going

You are blessing I wish I were

Even anyone wishes they were

Azmi, April 2019