366 Days of Me #day24

I just land on my bed! Though I like it better when it is covered by pink, the bed itself is my savior. While I am laying down, my head spins around. Imagine what I have done in the life before so the earth turns this into something. I feel bad for myself because I have to live far from whom I should take care of (and whom I am crazy about of course). But it feels good to be the reason of their happiness at the same time. I wish I could share this moment with Ponyo, Milo, Madison, and Snowy. I miss them. A lot.

I remember friends of mine and I wonder what the earth has done to them. It would feel great to hear their voice, stories, and any other details. I miss them. But then I remember the line saying the right people will stay in your life. Even when you both apart, you will never become stranger to each other. I know that line only works when you both doing something. As simple as saying hi, making call, and texting. It is not you who walk out when you have done something but they don't. It is not your lose when you try to mend the bond but they keep silent. No people have to be the right people. Not even ourselves.

I guess I will leave my wonder here.

366 Days of Me #day13

Yey! Daddy is already home. And Mom does what she always does. And my baby sister is busy with the college. And my baby brother goes to school again. And my younger baby brother goes back to dorm. And me is sitting on a couch way far from them and missing them. The reason I am being where I am right now is them, I told you I have people to take care of, remember? That's them! I wish this would mean something but I only know about it on couple days later. I'll tell you even at my worst. We'll see.

By the way, another heartbreaking moment. I told Mom days ago about something I kept from her for so long. At midnight. It started with the feeling I couldn't hide it any longer and I cried. Then I walked myself down stair to tell her but she saw me when I was on stair. I didn't know she was awake because she never did. She came to hug me, walked me back to my room, and asked me why. So, I told her. While crying. While being hugged around her arm. And she forgave me. Told me that was nothing. Told me that was fault I would never do again. Told me that she loves me all the way. Me? I cried way harder because her words was beyond my expectation.

I knew it would hurt me but I didn't expect it would be so hurting like this. Keeping things from Mom is a huge burden I should not do. It haunts me every times and it still leaves major regret. But Mom is a magical creature. She is always be and will always be. God is way too kind to give me her. God is way too kind.

366 Days of Me #day3

I dare myself to write about anything this year for such a healing. I have been spending all the year I could count on doubting myself, wondering whether it is a good life or not, or trying to figure out what will I do for my life. I have been being so mean to myself and I know it is hard to forgive. I promise myself not to do it anymore since I have people to take care of. Not because I have to, it is because I need to. So, I wish the dare would work. Wish I could keep my promise to myself.

As I write this, Daddy has been being hospitalized for four days. It was a heartbreaking moment, the day he went to hospital by ambulance (but every day he had to go to hospital this way is always a heartbreaking). It was around six pm. My baby brother knocked my door rapidly and he only said my name and dad's like it could explained everything that happened. I ran down stair only to see Mom held his hand and repeated her prayer over and over while he's laying. My another baby brother was beside her and crying. My baby sister was on her phone trying to get the ambulance. Me? I sat beside Mom and tried not to cry because I knew she needed me that way.

That day was a picture, a capture of thing that's worth million things. And just like every day I have spent around hospital, I would never ever forget it.